The Attachment Confessions

This episode is for every single person who has ever looked back on a relationship and thought – "The signs were there... why didn't I see them?"😩
Justin Smith spent years in a marriage with someone he thought he knew completely. When the truth finally surfaced, it wasn't just painful – it was the kind of disorienting, trust-shattering experience that makes you question your own judgment entirely. So instead of staying in that place, he built something — Cray — a dating safety app designed to help people spot red flags, detect deception, and verify who they're actually dealing with before they put their heart on the line.
This episode is personal, practical and hits incredibly close to home for anyone healing from betrayal❤️‍🩹
What we cover in this episode:
Justin's personal story: The relationship that changed everything and the deception that took years to surface
Why he went looking for red flag detection tools, found almost nothing useful, and decided to build one himself
What Cray's tagline "vibes lie, patterns don't" means — and why it's the most important dating mindset shift you can make
A breakdown of Cray's five reports – CrayScore™, SchemerScore™, BaeScore™, CatfishCheck, and OffenderCheck – what each one does and when to use them
The most common red flags people miss in early dating (and why we're so prone to explaining them away)
How insecure attachment styles make us especially vulnerable to missing warning signs (this one hits, y'all)
Why using a tool like Cray isn't paranoia — it's self-protection
How to use Cray as part of re-entering the dating world after a toxic or deceptive relationship
Justin built the tool he wishes he'd had. And honestly? So do I.
"Informed trust is stronger trust. Knowing who someone really is before you give them your heart isn't paranoia — it's the smartest thing you can do for yourself." — Justin Smith
🚩 Try Cray free: Run your first report at cray.app — available on iOS, Android, and the web. 
 
🦊WIN FREE CRAY SWAG! Here's how to get in the mix:
1. Go to Instagram
2. Follow @theattachmentconfessions and @cray.app
3. "Like" this episode's post
4. Tag 3 friends in the comments
5. 3 winners will be chosen at random and announced on the next Attachment Confessions episode!💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
❤️ Ready to heal your insecure attachment? Listeners get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
 
About Justin Smith:
Justin Smith is the Founder & CEO of Cray — a dating safety app that helps people identify red flags, detect manipulation and deception, and verify who they're actually meeting before the first date. Cray has been featured in Yahoo Finance, Morningstar, Global Dating Insights, and The AI Journal.
Related episodes:
My Attachment Red Flags: The Fearful Avoidant Patterns I Ignored for Years (and finally owned up to)
Love Bombing 101: How to Spot It, Why We Fall for It, and How to Get Out
Attachment vs. Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference — and Why It Matters for Your Healing

Y'all – "communication issues" might be the most common complaint in relationships. But here's what most people don't realize: you can't fix your communication until you fix your emotional safety💜
This week I'm joined by Kameran Al-Areqi — Gottman Certified Marriage Coach, straight-shooter, and one of the most practically brilliant guests we've had on TAC. Kam is breaking down exactly why so many couples struggle to communicate, how attachment science sits at the root of all of it, and the concrete tools to finally create the emotional safety your relationship needs to thrive.
What we cover in this episode:
Why "communication issues" are almost never really about communication — and what's actually going on underneath
What emotional safety is and why it's the foundation every relationship lives or dies on
How emotional safety (or the lack of it) forms in childhood — and how it shows up in your adult relationships
The A.R.E. acronym — a game-changing framework for understanding what your partner actually needs from you
Why 90% of conversations end the way they start — and what that means for how you approach conflict
How to de-escalate in the middle of conflict and stop the retaliation cycle
Real examples of emotionally safe vs. emotionally unsafe communication
What happens when one partner is doing the healing work and the other is resistant
How to become a safe emotional landing place for your partner — and why it changes everything
This one is practical, punchy, and packed with insights you can actually use – and Kameran doesn't hold back🙌
Also in this episode: I share exciting news about going back to school to obtain my Integrated Attachment Theory Certification through Thais Gibson's Personal Development School!! Stay tuned for more on that!
💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — your roadmap for talking through attachment, needs, and triggers with your partner. DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
About Kameran Al-Areqi:
Kameran is a Gottman Certified Marriage Coach with a straight-shooting, no-nonsense approach to helping couples build the relationships they actually want. Her practical insights on emotional safety and communication are grounded in Gottman Method research — one of the most evidence-based frameworks in relationship science.
Check out Kameran here:
Instagram: @married.and.connected
YouTube: www.youtube.com/@marriedandconnected
Join Kam's Skool Community: https://www.skool.com/married-connected-4920/about
Buy Kam's book – Connected to Me: The Blueprint: https://a.co/d/0a3d2hPx
Kam's podcast: Married and Connected (find it anywhere you get your favorite podcasts)
Substack: https://substack.com/@marriedandconnected
Related episodes:
Conflict in Relationships: How Securely Attached Couples Fight Differently (and what we can steal from them)
Boundaries & Anxious Attachment: The True Cost of Having Zero Boundaries – And How to Finally Make Them Stick
FA & DA Relationship: Why the Fearful Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic Hurts the Most (and how to make it work)

Here's something nobody in the modern dating conversation wants to say out loud: Hookup culture isn't freedom. It's a trap. Especially for those of us with insecure attachments.
This week I'm joined by Bev Mitelman – Certified Relationship & Attachment Trauma Practitioner and founder of Securely Loved – for one of the most important conversations we've had on The Attachment Confessions. Bev brings 25+ years of clinical expertise AND her own lived experience with insecure attachment to unpack exactly why hookup culture and attachment healing are fundamentally at odds.
Y'all — a lot of us have told ourselves that keeping things casual is the safe option. That it protects us from getting hurt. That it's empowering. This episode is going to challenge that in the best possible way🙌
What we cover in this episode:
What hookup culture actually is
Why hookup culture is especially damaging for Anxious Preoccupied and Fearful Avoidant attachment styles — and what's happening in the nervous system
The science of oxytocin — why the bonding hormone makes "no strings attached" nearly impossible
How casual hookups reinforce your old emotional blueprint instead of helping you rewrite it
Why using hookup culture to feel "in control" is actually one of the most common attachment self-sabotage patterns
This convo is going to hit close to home for a lot of us. And that's exactly why we needed to have it💜
💜 Ready to break your toxic relationship cycles for good? Check out Bev Mitelman's work at securelyloved.com💜 Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
 
About Bev Mitelman, M.A.:
Bev is a Certified Relationship & Attachment Trauma Practitioner and Certified Menopause Specialist with 25+ years in personal growth. She helps people break toxic relationship cycles, rebuild self-worth, and communicate with confidence in love, parenting, and family life. As someone who grew up in an unpredictable, chaotic environment and absorbed deeply unhealthy relationship patterns as a result, Bev knows firsthand that you're not broken — you're following an old emotional blueprint that can be healed.
Related episodes:
Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant

Let me ask you something — how many times have you said yes when you meant no? Stayed silent when you should have spoken up? Set a boundary and caved on it within five minutes?🙋
Same, y'all. Same. And as a healing fearful avoidant, I am so done letting that be my story. This episode is a wake-up call — for my anxious preoccupieds, my fellow fearful avoidants, and honestly anyone who's ever abandoned themselves to keep the peace💜
What we cover in this episode:
What boundaries actually are — and what they absolutely are not (including the crucial difference between a boundary and an ultimatum)
Why Anxious Preoccupieds are wired to fawn, appease and people-please instead of protect themselves — and the science behind it
Why Fearful Avoidants have the most contradictory relationship with boundaries of any attachment style — and why that push-pull shows up in every relationship
My personal boundary story — including the relationship that slowly eroded my sense of self (and what finally changed)
6 practical, totally doable steps to start setting and keeping boundaries without blowing up your relationships or your nervous system
Why follow-through is the most important — and hardest — piece of the whole thing
The closing truth: boundaries aren't selfish. They're one of the most loving things you can do. For yourself AND the people you care about.
As Dr. John Delony says — behavior is a language. When someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, they're telling you exactly how much they value you and the relationship. That's a lesson I wish I'd learned a whole lot sooner💜
"We do not set ourselves on fire in order to keep others warm." — Peaceful Barb
💜 Free resource: Grab my brand-new Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — your roadmap for having the attachment conversations you've been avoiding. DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com to get your free copy.💜 Ready to heal your attachment? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout. Good for her self-paced courses, 1:1 coaching, online workshops, and hybrid group coaching program.
People & resources mentioned:
Dr. John Delony — "behavior is a language"
Peaceful Barb — follow her on Instagram for boundary mantras that hit different
Codie Sanchez — "You must learn to be disliked or you'll find yourself stuck in a prison of other people's beliefs."
Coming up next:
Attachment expert Bev Mitelman joins TAC to kick off our brand-new Summer Guest Series — and y'all, we're going there. We're talking about how hookup culture is absolutely wrecking our attachment healing. This one might ruffle some feathers, but it's a conversation that needs to happen. Don't miss it🙌
Related episodes:
Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant
FA & DA Relationship: Why the Fearful Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic Hurts the Most
Insecure Attachment Patterns: How to Stop Repeating Them & Actually Take Accountability

What happens when two avoidants fall in love? In this raw, eye-opening episode, we go inside the trenches of the most painful relationship dynamic — the Fearful Avoidant and the Dismissive Avoidant — with real-life couple Tesha & Taylor.
This is not a highlight reel. This is the unfiltered truth about what it actually looks like to love someone when each of your biggest needs are your partner's ultimate triggers.
Tesha and Taylor sit down to share their story — the blissful beginning, the conflict that changed everything, the breakthroughs, and the moments they almost didn't make it. Together, they unpack how they each discovered their attachment styles, what their dynamic looked like at its hardest, and how they've learned to communicate, reconnect, and choose each other — even when every instinct says run.
In this episode, we cover:
How Tesha & Taylor's attachment styles formed in childhood
What it feels like to be a Fearful Avoidant in a relationship
How the Dismissive Avoidant experiences love, distance and connection
The triggers that sent them into their attachment patterns — and what pulled them back
Real moments of conflict and how they worked through them
The breakthroughs that changed everything for Tesha & Taylor
Their advice for others finding themselves in the torturous FA/DA conflict cycle
Whether you're a Fearful Avoidant, a Dismissive Avoidant, in a relationship with one, or just trying to understand your own patterns — this episode is for you.
This conversation is honest, emotional, and deeply human. Grab your headphones and get ready to feel seen.
Doing the work together just got a little easier. 🤍 I created a FREE Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — packed with questions to help you and your partner go deeper, heal together, and finally feel understood. Grab yours now! DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions and I'll get it sent your way!
💜Looking to heal your own FA/DA relationship? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs it. You never know what people are going through – and attachment science genuinely changes lives. It changed Tesha & Taylor's.
xo - Chelsea

Y'all – this one is personal. The fearful avoidant / dismissive avoidant relationship dynamic is, without question, the most painful attachment combination out there. And as a healing FA who's been on both sides of it? I know this one all too well. 
In this episode, we're getting into exactly why the FA/DA pairing starts off feeling like fate — and why it almost always ends in flames.
What we cover in this episode:
Why the FA and DA are magnetically attracted to each other at first (hint: it's the shadow self)
The difference between vulnerability and transparency — and why DAs seem open but aren't
How the honeymoon phase fades and the conflict cycle begins
Why the DA shuts down and the FA spirals — and how each makes the other's wounds worse
My own FA/DA story and what finally broke things for good
What it actually takes for this relationship dynamic to survive — and when to walk away
The FA needs to feel seen, heard and understood. The DA needs peace and harmony above all else. When those two core needs collide – especially in conflict – it creates a cycle that's genuinely brutal to break out of. But it's not impossible. As long as both partners are willing to do the work.
💜Looking to heal your own FA/DA relationship? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
Listen to these episodes first:> Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant> Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant> Attachment vs. Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference — and Why It Matters for Your Healing
Coming up next:
Our first-ever couple joins the pod! Tesha & Taylor are an FA/DA couple who've lived this dynamic firsthand — and are now on the road to healing. You will NOT want to miss this one. 🙌
If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs it. You never know what people are going through – and attachment science genuinely changes lives. It changed mine.
xo - Chelsea

Hello, Confessions Fam! Welcome back for episode 23!
He’s baaack! Everyone’s favorite Dismissive Avoidant (actually, recently discovered Fearful Avoidant who leans avoidant) – Brent Stokes – is joining the pod again to help answer YOUR questions!
You’ve inquired – and as your semi-fearless host, I’m here to give you my {not so} expert attachment advice, purely based on my past year of personal heartbreak, Phoenix-like rising, and next-level obsession of burrowing down the attachment science rabbit hole. 
When the people have relationship questions, we’re here to give you the best possible answers to your attachment woes. Been there, done that – got 3+ decades worth of insecure attachment T-shirts!
Today is going to hit hard, provide sound advice, and bring clarity on your most-asked attachment questions I’ve received over the past 7 months since TAC launched.
As ALWAYS, please ask any attachment-related questions or just chit chat with me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions
To have your question answered on future Q&A episodes, send an audio message with your name, location, and question to the “TAC hotline” to be featured.
Love you guys so much and thank you for your heartfelt questions!
xo - Chelsea & Brent
Links from today's episode:
>>NEW OFFER FOR LISTENERS OF THE ATTACHMENT CONFESSIONS!!<<
We are SO excited to share that The Attachment Confessions has teamed up with our favorite attachment expert, Dr. Sarah Hensley, to offer listeners of the pod something special!!
Use promo code CHELSEA10 at checkout for 10% off ANY of Dr. Sarah Hensley’s transformative attachment healing programs, digital products and services at:
The Love Doc | Relationship Coaching Services 
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Grab a hankie for your happy tears — because episode 22 is all about the holy grail of attachment styles: the Born & Raised Secures🙌
This is the final episode of TAC's 4-part attachment style deep-dive series, and we're going out with a bang. Because honestly? After three episodes unpacking insecure attachments, nothing feels better than getting an up-close look at what secure attachment actually looks like — and being reminded that it's achievable for every single one of us💜
Side note: listenership increased by 103% during this deep dive series. Y'all are incredible! Thank you.
What we cover in this episode:
How secure attachment forms in childhood — the two words that explain everything: consistent attunement
What securely attached people carry into their relationships and why it's so different from insecure styles
Interdependence — what it is, why it's the goal, and how it differs from codependence or avoidance
How secure couples handle conflict differently — approaching it with curiosity instead of defensiveness
Why securely attached people tend to attract other secures — and the 5 red flags that signal insecure attachment to a secure partner
Why attachment quizzes are pretty much garbage (and what to do instead)
The 2 things that actually earn your attachment security: self-awareness and daily practice
What "catch and correct" behavior is — and why it's one of the most powerful tools in your healing toolkit
Here's the truth: born secures don't make up the majority of attachment styles. But thanks to the miracle that is neuroplasticity, those of us who weren't blessed to start out secure can absolutely get there. It's not a quick fix — it's a daily practice. And it is so worth it🙌
"What matters is that the moments when your insecure attachment rears its unpretty head happen less and less frequently. And when they do, you're able to recognize it quickly and pivot."
💜 Ready to earn your attachment security? I personally recommend Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs. Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.👗 Dwell Apparel: Faith-inspired clothing, drinkware & accessories — Get 15% off with code CHELSEASCOTT at dwellapparel.com
Also mentioned:
Thais Gibson — Learning Love (2023) and Personal Development School
Adam Lane Smith — Attachment expert & relationship coach
Catch up on the full series:
Episode 19 — Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Episode 20 — Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant
Episode 21 — Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant

Grab your one-way ticket to cringeville, y'all — because episode 21 is a deep dive into the most complex attachment style of them all: the Fearful Avoidant. And since this one hits particularly close to home for yours truly, I am not holding back any punches💜
Sometimes called disorganized attachment, the FA is my own attachment style — and this episode is my most personal deep dive yet. Whether you're a fellow Fearful Avoidant, you've loved one, or you've been completely baffled by the hot-and-cold patterns of someone in your life (cue Katy Perry's 2008 hit "Hot N Cold"), this one is going to make the relationship light bulbs illuminate like never before.
This is part 3 of TAC's 4-part attachment style deep-dive series.
What we cover in this episode:
How fearful avoidant (disorganized) attachment forms in childhood — the difference between big T and little T trauma
What parentification is and how it shapes the FA attachment
My personal FA origin story and how my dad's bipolar disorder shaped my attachment patterns
The FA's core wounds: fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment, and the unworthiness wound underneath it all
Why the FA is the most complex insecure attachment — operating across the entire spectrum depending on their partner
The hot and cold pattern explained: why FAs crave closeness while simultaneously pushing people away
Protest behavior — what it is, why FAs do it, and why it almost always backfires
The FA's superpowers: empathy, emotional intelligence, resilience, and grit
Why earning your attachment security is absolutely achievable — even as an FA
As Dr. John Delony says — "what kept us safe when we were children will eventually destroy us as adults." This episode is proof of that. And also proof that awareness is the first step to changing it🙌
Life is so much sweeter on the other side of your insecure attachment. I promise.
💜 Ready to heal your FA attachment? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.👗 Dwell Apparel: Faith-inspired clothing, drinkware & accessories — Get 15% off with code CHELSEASCOTT at dwellapparel.com
Up next in the series:
Episode 22 — Secure Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into Being Born & Raised Secure
Related episodes:
Episode 2 — My Fearful Avoidant Origin Story: How Tracing Back My Attachment Finally Made Sense of My Relationships
Episode 3 — My Attachment Red Flags: The FA Patterns I Ignored for Years (and finally owned up to)
Episode 19 — Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Episode 20 — Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant
FA & DA Relationship: Why the Fearful Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic Hurts the Most

Grab a pillow to scream into – because episode 20 is all about the Dismissive Avoidant😅
The DA tends to get the most attention of all the insecure attachment styles — and for good reason. It's the most predictable, yet often the most frustrating, confusing, and heartbreaking attachment to be on the receiving end of. Whether you're a DA yourself or you've loved one, this deep dive is going to make everything make sense💜
This is part 2 of TAC's 4-part attachment style deep-dive series. If you haven't listened to Episode 19 on the Anxious Preoccupied yet, go back and check it out — the contrast between these two styles is genuinely mind-blowing.
What we cover in this episode:
How dismissive avoidant attachment forms in childhood through emotional neglect — including subtle, seemingly benign parenting patterns you'd never expect
The DA's core attachment wound: deep defectiveness — and why they believe they're fundamentally broken
The brain chemistry of avoidant attachment — GABA, oxytocin deficiencies, and heightened dopamine-seeking behavior
The infamous DA relationship cycle: infatuation → fault-finding → discarding — and why it happens every single time
Why DAs move quickly at the beginning of a relationship and then completely pull away
Why the DA is the most difficult insecure attachment to heal — and why coaching works better than therapy for them
The positive qualities and superpowers of the Dismissive Avoidant
If you've ever dated a DA and felt completely blindsided by their withdrawal — this episode is your explanation. And if you're a DA yourself? You're about to finally make sense to yourself🙌
As Dr. Sarah Hensley says — every DA might as well have a diploma in dismissive avoidance. That's how freakishly predictable this attachment style is.
💜Looking to heal your DA attachment? Dr. Sarah Hensley's hybrid group coaching program has an incredibly high success rate with DAs specifically — it's a way lower-pressure environment and more effective than therapy or couples counseling. Get 10% off at thelovedoc.com with code CHELSEA10.
Up next in the series:
Episode 21 — Disorganized Attachment: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant
Episode 22 — Secure Attachment: A Deep Dive into Being Born & Raised Secure
Related episodes:
Episode 19 — Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Inside the Dismissive Avoidant Childhood & Relationship: Brent's Real DA Lived Experience (parts 1 & 2)
Love Bombing 101: How to Spot It, Why We Fall for It, and How to Get Out
>>Want 15% off awesome, faith-inspired clothing and accessories? Check out Dwell.Apparel and use my referral link to get this discount!
https://dwellapparel.com/?ref=chelsea15
OR use discount code CHELSEASCOTT at checkout