The Attachment Confessions

ONE YEAR, Y'ALL!!🎉
365 days ago, I sat down in front of a microphone, said "what's up guys" for the very first time, and had absolutely no idea if anyone would ever listen. And here we are — one year, 32 episodes, and 7,000 downloads later — and I am still completely floored that this podcast exists, and that you are here💜
To celebrate, I brought back one of TAC's all-time favorite guests — our very first lived experience guest and my favorite Dismissive Avoidant turned Fearful Avoidant (iykyk), Brent Stokes — to co-host the most fun episode we've ever done!🥂
We're playing "The Attachment Style Most Likely To..." — going through some of the most searched, most debated, and most relatable attachment behaviors, backing each one up with science, and sharing our own lived experiences along the way. Two healing FAs walk into a podcast studio... you're going to want to hear how this one goes😂
Find out which attachment style is most likely to...
🚩 Ghost you after a great first date
📱 Send the 3am "you up?" text
🔍 Stalk their ex's Instagram at midnight
❄️ Need 3 days of silence after a conflict
🏃 Move on suspiciously fast after a breakup
💣 Blow up a perfectly good relationship for no apparent reason
😤 Bring up something from 4 years ago during an argument
🎭 Become a completely different person for each new partner
🔥 Cheat — (this one's a debate, y'all)
💔 Stay in a relationship way longer than they should
💪 Actually do the healing work
🏆 Become Secure AF
Each one is backed by attachment science — and we are not holding back on the personal confessions😅
Thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart for one year of showing up, listening, sharing, reviewing, and DMing me your attachment healing stories. This podcast exists because of you. Here's to year two — let's freaking go, y'all✨
💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com❤️ Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at doctorsarahhensley.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.🎓 Wanna heal your attachment together? I just obtained my Integrated Attachment Theory Certification through Thais Gibson's Personal Development School — and I'd be so honored to work with you! DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email me at chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
Listen to previous episodes with Brent:
Inside the Dismissive Avoidant Childhood: Brent's Real DA Lived Experience [Part 1] — Episode 11
Inside the Dismissive Avoidant Relationship: Brent's Real DA Lived Experience [Part 2] — Episode 12
Your Attachment Questions Answered: Listener Q&Q — Episode 23
New to The Attachment Confessions? Start here:
Attachment Theory Explained: The Beginner's Guide to All 4 Styles — Episode 1
Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied — Episode 19
Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant — Episode 20
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant — Episode 21
Secure Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Born & Raised Secures — Episode 22
See you in season 2, Confessions Fam!!😘
 
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"I became a prisoner in a golden cage — and I wasn't even aware that I was helping to build it."💔
Those are Mia Hanks' words. And if they just stopped you cold — this episode is for you.
Mia J. Hanks spent nearly 30 years married to a covert narcissist. Not the loud, obvious kind — the kind that operates in the shadows. The kind that makes you question your own reality, your own worth, your own sanity — quietly, methodically, and for decades. And then one day, she got out. And then, she wrote about it.
Her Gold Literary Titan Award-winning memoir Bride-Made is a first-hand account of what day-to-day life with a narcissistic spouse actually looks like — and her follow-up memoir I've Made Plans: A Memoir of Rebuilding picks up exactly where that story ends. This conversation is one of the most powerful we've ever had on The Attachment Confessions💜
What we cover in this episode:
What covert narcissism actually is — and why it's so much harder to identify than the more obvious kind
What 29 years of narcissistic abuse actually looked like from the inside — day to day, year to year
How a covert narcissist makes their partner feel like they are the problem — and how long it took Mia to realize the story she'd been made to believe about herself all those years wasn't actually true
The gaslighting, the manipulation, and the slow erosion of self that happens
What finally broke through — and what leaving actually looked like
How Mia rebuilt her identity, her self-trust and her life after 29 years of abuse
Why she wrote Bride-Made — and who she wrote it for
The meaning behind the title and what it says about how covert narcissists operate
Her message to anyone who is in this right now and feels like there's no way out
Mia's story is not just about survival. It's about what's possible on the other side. And her words — raw, honest, and hard-won — are going to reach someone today who desperately needs to hear them💜
"What I had failed to realize during our courtship was that it had all been glamour, smoke and mirrors. I had not been courted. I had been acquired." — Mia J. Hanks
About Mia J. Hanks:
Mia J. Hanks is a survivor of narcissistic abuse and the author of two memoirs — Bride-Made (Gold Literary Titan Award winner) and I've Made Plans: A Memoir of Rebuilding. She is committed to raising awareness about covert narcissism and supporting other survivors, reminding them that they are not alone — and that their story doesn't end with their escape.
 
📘 Buy Bride-Made on Amazon📙 Buy I've Made Plans: A Memoir of Rebuilding on Amazon🌐 Learn more about Mia's work: miajhanks.com
 
📸 Instagram: @npd.andme💜 Ready to heal your attachment? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at doctorsarahhensley.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.🆘 If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse: National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233 (available 24/7)
 
Related episodes:
Attachment vs Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference — and Why It Matters for Your Healing
Narcissist & Codependent Relationships: The Toxic Dynamic Explained Through an Attachment Lens
Love Bombing 101: How to Spot It, Why We Fall for It, and How to Get Out
Dating Red Flags & Deception: How to Spot Them Early & Protect Your Heart (Feat. Cray App Founder Justin Smith)
Boundaries & Anxious Attachment: The True Cost of Having Zero Boundaries — And How to Finally Make Them Stick

What happens when the person who helps everyone else heal finally has to look in the mirror?💜
Caasi O'Day is a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, but not the kind you're probably picturing. She grew up as the "difficult" kid, the lost cause, the one clinicians whispered about in the hallways. At 15, she was shipped across the country to live with her godparents. Somewhere in the middle of all that rage and rebellion, she decided: These therapists have no idea what they're doing. So, I'm going to become one.
Twenty years later, Caasi is the therapist other therapists won't be – working with the clients everyone else has given up on, showing up fully human, and calling out the therapy industrial complex for failing the people who need it most.
And... she's a Fearful Avoidant. Who didn't fully see it until she did.
This conversation is one of the most raw, honest, and genuinely eye-opening episodes we've ever had on The Attachment Confessions. Because here's the thing: knowing all the theory doesn't make you immune to your own blind spots. Not even close👀
What we cover in this episode:
Caasi's origin story – growing up as the "problem kid" and how that shaped who she became as a therapist
The moment she realized attachment theory wasn't just something she was teaching clients. It was her own story.
How her Fearful Avoidant attachment formed in childhood and what she found when she finally traced it back
The blind spots that showed up in her own relationships DESPITE 20 years of clinical knowledge
Whether understanding attachment intellectually can actually become its own defense mechanism (this one is a conversation stopper, y'all)
What her own FA healing journey looks like in practice – from someone who knows exactly what it takes
Her message to anyone who feels like they've tried everything and nothing is working
Caasi tells the truth in a way that makes you feel genuinely seen. This episode is proof that healing isn't about how much you know — it's about being brave enough to apply it to yourself🙌
 
❤️ Ready to start your own healing journey? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at doctorsarahhensley.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
 
💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
🦊CONGRATS to our CRAY APP SWAG WINNERS from our last episode!!🦊
@mikaela_iob
@jb_marquez
@haylee.stokes
 
About Caasi O'Day, LCSW:
Caasi specializes in the populations everyone else avoids — active drug users, sex workers, clients with chronic suicidal ideation, and those who've been rejected by provider after provider. She became a therapist because she survived what kills some people. And she helps others survive it too — not by being a distant, detached expert, but by showing up as someone who's been in the fire and knows the way out.
Connect with Caasi:
polarizedparts.com
Related episodes:
My Fearful Avoidant Origin Story: How Tracing Back My Attachment Finally Made Sense of My Relationships
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant
Insecure Attachment Patterns: How to Stop Repeating Them & Actually Take Accountability (yes, even the hard stuff)

This episode is for every single person who has ever looked back on a relationship and thought – "The signs were there... why didn't I see them?"😩
Justin Smith spent years in a marriage with someone he thought he knew completely. When the truth finally surfaced, it wasn't just painful – it was the kind of disorienting, trust-shattering experience that makes you question your own judgment entirely. So instead of staying in that place, he built something — Cray — a dating safety app designed to help people spot red flags, detect deception, and verify who they're actually dealing with before they put their heart on the line.
This episode is personal, practical and hits incredibly close to home for anyone healing from betrayal❤️‍🩹
What we cover in this episode:
Justin's personal story: The relationship that changed everything and the deception that took years to surface
Why he went looking for red flag detection tools, found almost nothing useful, and decided to build one himself
What Cray's tagline "vibes lie, patterns don't" means — and why it's the most important dating mindset shift you can make
A breakdown of Cray's five reports – CrayScore™, SchemerScore™, BaeScore™, CatfishCheck, and OffenderCheck – what each one does and when to use them
The most common red flags people miss in early dating (and why we're so prone to explaining them away)
How insecure attachment styles make us especially vulnerable to missing warning signs (this one hits, y'all)
Why using a tool like Cray isn't paranoia — it's self-protection
How to use Cray as part of re-entering the dating world after a toxic or deceptive relationship
Justin built the tool he wishes he'd had. And honestly? So do I.
"Informed trust is stronger trust. Knowing who someone really is before you give them your heart isn't paranoia — it's the smartest thing you can do for yourself." — Justin Smith
🚩 Try Cray free: Run your first report at cray.app — available on iOS, Android, and the web. 
 
🦊WIN FREE CRAY SWAG! Here's how to get in the mix:
1. Go to Instagram
2. Follow @theattachmentconfessions and @cray.app
3. "Like" this episode's post
4. Tag 3 friends in the comments
5. 3 winners will be chosen at random and announced on the next Attachment Confessions episode!💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
❤️ Ready to heal your insecure attachment? Listeners get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
 
About Justin Smith:
Justin Smith is the Founder & CEO of Cray — a dating safety app that helps people identify red flags, detect manipulation and deception, and verify who they're actually meeting before the first date. Cray has been featured in Yahoo Finance, Morningstar, Global Dating Insights, and The AI Journal.
Related episodes:
My Attachment Red Flags: The Fearful Avoidant Patterns I Ignored for Years (and finally owned up to)
Love Bombing 101: How to Spot It, Why We Fall for It, and How to Get Out
Attachment vs. Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference — and Why It Matters for Your Healing

Y'all – "communication issues" might be the most common complaint in relationships. But here's what most people don't realize: you can't fix your communication until you fix your emotional safety💜
This week I'm joined by Kameran Al-Areqi — Gottman Certified Marriage Coach, straight-shooter, and one of the most practically brilliant guests we've had on TAC. Kam is breaking down exactly why so many couples struggle to communicate, how attachment science sits at the root of all of it, and the concrete tools to finally create the emotional safety your relationship needs to thrive.
What we cover in this episode:
Why "communication issues" are almost never really about communication — and what's actually going on underneath
What emotional safety is and why it's the foundation every relationship lives or dies on
How emotional safety (or the lack of it) forms in childhood — and how it shows up in your adult relationships
The A.R.E. acronym — a game-changing framework for understanding what your partner actually needs from you
Why 90% of conversations end the way they start — and what that means for how you approach conflict
How to de-escalate in the middle of conflict and stop the retaliation cycle
Real examples of emotionally safe vs. emotionally unsafe communication
What happens when one partner is doing the healing work and the other is resistant
How to become a safe emotional landing place for your partner — and why it changes everything
This one is practical, punchy, and packed with insights you can actually use – and Kameran doesn't hold back🙌
Also in this episode: I share exciting news about going back to school to obtain my Integrated Attachment Theory Certification through Thais Gibson's Personal Development School!! Stay tuned for more on that!
💜 Free resource: Grab the Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — your roadmap for talking through attachment, needs, and triggers with your partner. DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com
 
About Kameran Al-Areqi:
Kameran is a Gottman Certified Marriage Coach with a straight-shooting, no-nonsense approach to helping couples build the relationships they actually want. Her practical insights on emotional safety and communication are grounded in Gottman Method research — one of the most evidence-based frameworks in relationship science.
Check out Kameran here:
Instagram: @married.and.connected
YouTube: www.youtube.com/@marriedandconnected
Join Kam's Skool Community: https://www.skool.com/married-connected-4920/about
Buy Kam's book – Connected to Me: The Blueprint: https://a.co/d/0a3d2hPx
Kam's podcast: Married and Connected (find it anywhere you get your favorite podcasts)
Substack: https://substack.com/@marriedandconnected
Related episodes:
Conflict in Relationships: How Securely Attached Couples Fight Differently (and what we can steal from them)
Boundaries & Anxious Attachment: The True Cost of Having Zero Boundaries – And How to Finally Make Them Stick
FA & DA Relationship: Why the Fearful Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic Hurts the Most (and how to make it work)

Here's something nobody in the modern dating conversation wants to say out loud: Hookup culture isn't freedom. It's a trap. Especially for those of us with insecure attachments.
This week I'm joined by Bev Mitelman – Certified Relationship & Attachment Trauma Practitioner and founder of Securely Loved – for one of the most important conversations we've had on The Attachment Confessions. Bev brings 25+ years of clinical expertise AND her own lived experience with insecure attachment to unpack exactly why hookup culture and attachment healing are fundamentally at odds.
Y'all — a lot of us have told ourselves that keeping things casual is the safe option. That it protects us from getting hurt. That it's empowering. This episode is going to challenge that in the best possible way🙌
What we cover in this episode:
What hookup culture actually is
Why hookup culture is especially damaging for Anxious Preoccupied and Fearful Avoidant attachment styles — and what's happening in the nervous system
The science of oxytocin — why the bonding hormone makes "no strings attached" nearly impossible
How casual hookups reinforce your old emotional blueprint instead of helping you rewrite it
Why using hookup culture to feel "in control" is actually one of the most common attachment self-sabotage patterns
This convo is going to hit close to home for a lot of us. And that's exactly why we needed to have it💜
💜 Ready to break your toxic relationship cycles for good? Check out Bev Mitelman's work at securelyloved.com💜 Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
 
About Bev Mitelman, M.A.:
Bev is a Certified Relationship & Attachment Trauma Practitioner and Certified Menopause Specialist with 25+ years in personal growth. She helps people break toxic relationship cycles, rebuild self-worth, and communicate with confidence in love, parenting, and family life. As someone who grew up in an unpredictable, chaotic environment and absorbed deeply unhealthy relationship patterns as a result, Bev knows firsthand that you're not broken — you're following an old emotional blueprint that can be healed.
Related episodes:
Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant

Let me ask you something — how many times have you said yes when you meant no? Stayed silent when you should have spoken up? Set a boundary and caved on it within five minutes?🙋
Same, y'all. Same. And as a healing fearful avoidant, I am so done letting that be my story. This episode is a wake-up call — for my anxious preoccupieds, my fellow fearful avoidants, and honestly anyone who's ever abandoned themselves to keep the peace💜
What we cover in this episode:
What boundaries actually are — and what they absolutely are not (including the crucial difference between a boundary and an ultimatum)
Why Anxious Preoccupieds are wired to fawn, appease and people-please instead of protect themselves — and the science behind it
Why Fearful Avoidants have the most contradictory relationship with boundaries of any attachment style — and why that push-pull shows up in every relationship
My personal boundary story — including the relationship that slowly eroded my sense of self (and what finally changed)
6 practical, totally doable steps to start setting and keeping boundaries without blowing up your relationships or your nervous system
Why follow-through is the most important — and hardest — piece of the whole thing
The closing truth: boundaries aren't selfish. They're one of the most loving things you can do. For yourself AND the people you care about.
As Dr. John Delony says — behavior is a language. When someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, they're telling you exactly how much they value you and the relationship. That's a lesson I wish I'd learned a whole lot sooner💜
"We do not set ourselves on fire in order to keep others warm." — Peaceful Barb
💜 Free resource: Grab my brand-new Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — your roadmap for having the attachment conversations you've been avoiding. DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions or email chelsea@theattachmentconfessions.com to get your free copy.💜 Ready to heal your attachment? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout. Good for her self-paced courses, 1:1 coaching, online workshops, and hybrid group coaching program.
People & resources mentioned:
Dr. John Delony — "behavior is a language"
Peaceful Barb — follow her on Instagram for boundary mantras that hit different
Codie Sanchez — "You must learn to be disliked or you'll find yourself stuck in a prison of other people's beliefs."
Coming up next:
Attachment expert Bev Mitelman joins TAC to kick off our brand-new Summer Guest Series — and y'all, we're going there. We're talking about how hookup culture is absolutely wrecking our attachment healing. This one might ruffle some feathers, but it's a conversation that needs to happen. Don't miss it🙌
Related episodes:
Anxious Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Anxious Preoccupied
Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant
FA & DA Relationship: Why the Fearful Avoidant / Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic Hurts the Most
Insecure Attachment Patterns: How to Stop Repeating Them & Actually Take Accountability

What happens when two avoidants fall in love? In this raw, eye-opening episode, we go inside the trenches of the most painful relationship dynamic — the Fearful Avoidant and the Dismissive Avoidant — with real-life couple Tesha & Taylor.
This is not a highlight reel. This is the unfiltered truth about what it actually looks like to love someone when each of your biggest needs are your partner's ultimate triggers.
Tesha and Taylor sit down to share their story — the blissful beginning, the conflict that changed everything, the breakthroughs, and the moments they almost didn't make it. Together, they unpack how they each discovered their attachment styles, what their dynamic looked like at its hardest, and how they've learned to communicate, reconnect, and choose each other — even when every instinct says run.
In this episode, we cover:
How Tesha & Taylor's attachment styles formed in childhood
What it feels like to be a Fearful Avoidant in a relationship
How the Dismissive Avoidant experiences love, distance and connection
The triggers that sent them into their attachment patterns — and what pulled them back
Real moments of conflict and how they worked through them
The breakthroughs that changed everything for Tesha & Taylor
Their advice for others finding themselves in the torturous FA/DA conflict cycle
Whether you're a Fearful Avoidant, a Dismissive Avoidant, in a relationship with one, or just trying to understand your own patterns — this episode is for you.
This conversation is honest, emotional, and deeply human. Grab your headphones and get ready to feel seen.
Doing the work together just got a little easier. 🤍 I created a FREE Attachment Conversation Guide for Couples — packed with questions to help you and your partner go deeper, heal together, and finally feel understood. Grab yours now! DM me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions and I'll get it sent your way!
💜Looking to heal your own FA/DA relationship? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs it. You never know what people are going through – and attachment science genuinely changes lives. It changed Tesha & Taylor's.
xo - Chelsea

Y'all – this one is personal. The fearful avoidant / dismissive avoidant relationship dynamic is, without question, the most painful attachment combination out there. And as a healing FA who's been on both sides of it? I know this one all too well. 
In this episode, we're getting into exactly why the FA/DA pairing starts off feeling like fate — and why it almost always ends in flames.
What we cover in this episode:
Why the FA and DA are magnetically attracted to each other at first (hint: it's the shadow self)
The difference between vulnerability and transparency — and why DAs seem open but aren't
How the honeymoon phase fades and the conflict cycle begins
Why the DA shuts down and the FA spirals — and how each makes the other's wounds worse
My own FA/DA story and what finally broke things for good
What it actually takes for this relationship dynamic to survive — and when to walk away
The FA needs to feel seen, heard and understood. The DA needs peace and harmony above all else. When those two core needs collide – especially in conflict – it creates a cycle that's genuinely brutal to break out of. But it's not impossible. As long as both partners are willing to do the work.
💜Looking to heal your own FA/DA relationship? Listeners of The Attachment Confessions get 10% off Dr. Sarah Hensley's attachment healing programs at thelovedoc.com — use code CHELSEA10 at checkout.
Listen to these episodes first:> Avoidant Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Dismissive Avoidant> Disorganized Attachment Explained: A Deep Dive into the Fearful Avoidant> Attachment vs. Narcissism: How to Tell the Difference — and Why It Matters for Your Healing
Coming up next:
Our first-ever couple joins the pod! Tesha & Taylor are an FA/DA couple who've lived this dynamic firsthand — and are now on the road to healing. You will NOT want to miss this one. 🙌
If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs it. You never know what people are going through – and attachment science genuinely changes lives. It changed mine.
xo - Chelsea

Hello, Confessions Fam! Welcome back for episode 23!
He’s baaack! Everyone’s favorite Dismissive Avoidant (actually, recently discovered Fearful Avoidant who leans avoidant) – Brent Stokes – is joining the pod again to help answer YOUR questions!
You’ve inquired – and as your semi-fearless host, I’m here to give you my {not so} expert attachment advice, purely based on my past year of personal heartbreak, Phoenix-like rising, and next-level obsession of burrowing down the attachment science rabbit hole. 
When the people have relationship questions, we’re here to give you the best possible answers to your attachment woes. Been there, done that – got 3+ decades worth of insecure attachment T-shirts!
Today is going to hit hard, provide sound advice, and bring clarity on your most-asked attachment questions I’ve received over the past 7 months since TAC launched.
As ALWAYS, please ask any attachment-related questions or just chit chat with me on Instagram @theattachmentconfessions
To have your question answered on future Q&A episodes, send an audio message with your name, location, and question to the “TAC hotline” to be featured.
Love you guys so much and thank you for your heartfelt questions!
xo - Chelsea & Brent
Links from today's episode:
>>NEW OFFER FOR LISTENERS OF THE ATTACHMENT CONFESSIONS!!<<
We are SO excited to share that The Attachment Confessions has teamed up with our favorite attachment expert, Dr. Sarah Hensley, to offer listeners of the pod something special!!
Use promo code CHELSEA10 at checkout for 10% off ANY of Dr. Sarah Hensley’s transformative attachment healing programs, digital products and services at:
The Love Doc | Relationship Coaching Services 
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Check out Dwell.Apparel and use my referral link to get this discount!
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